Why don't you just adopt?

The following is part of one of my posts from a message board I am on.

I know that having gone through, and sharing the pain of many online friends who have also gone through infertility, I will never forget that pain. I hope with time it dulls a bit, but infertility is a part of who I am, for better or for worse.

As for having a bio child and what we will miss, I know that I will miss the pregnancy, breast feeding, and seeing physical traits of both my fiance and I as the child grows up. However, I have lately begun to wonder how long it will take for the right child to come and be our forever child after we go through the process. How much easier it would be to not have to fill out paperwork, to not have to have our home and background inspected, to not have to wonder whether someone I don't know will think we are good enough. In other words, to have a child of our own that we could be sure would be ours forever.

This is so difficult to come to terms with. I only have one more form to fill out for DF, but that form is the most difficult for him because it's the one where they look to see whether you are good enough, or rather whether "they" think you are good enough. Our home is not perfect, nor is it a death trap. Yet, by "their" standards it is probably not good enough as is. We will need to make a number of minor changes so "they" will feel okay placing a child with us. If and when "they" decide to place a child with us, how many times will they come to check up on us? How many times, and how long will we have to prove ourselves? I am not the type to really care what other people think of us, and yet if I don't...

I wish we didn't have to go through this tedious process. I wish we didn't have to play "their" game. I wish we could just pass Go and collect our baby. I wish we could have a bio child that would eliminate all these other worries.

Update on me

I still have no idea what is wrong with me. I went to the Dr. and all tests came back normal except, I was found to have a vitamin D deficiency. Yes, vitamin D deficiency can lead to infertility. Who knew?! My thyroid continues to grow and a nodule was found on it during the ultrasound. Unfortunately, I continue to play phone tag with the radiology department to schedule a biopsy. For whatever reason, they don't believe me that it is okay to call DF and have him schedule an appointment for me. Instead they insist on calling me during work hours when I am unable to answer the phone.

As for adoption, I still have to fill out the paperwork for DF. I am trying to word things for him in such a way that will make it all as positive as possible. I have recently read of some foster adopt cases that did not go well, but I learned my lesson with infertility. I am keeping all of those stories to myself, or qualifying them with a timeline during which our state laws have changed. He still seems like a go for the whole process, so that is a positive. We should be starting our PS MAPP classes at the end of the month. We got a call from one location to register, but we want to have several locations so that we can choose the social worker we get along with best.

Work is going well for me. I have received all my materials from Donors Choose, so my classroom is really awesome for this second semester. We are doing worm composting. The kids absolutely love feeding the worms and getting their hands dirty. We are also going to be doing aquaponics. That should be very interesting. I hope I can keep the fish and the plants alive. For Earth and Space science we received refracting telescopes, so the kids will be able to take a telescope home to look at the stars at night. I am trying to get a star theater that turns my classroom into a planetarium and some star maps as well. If my proposal doesn't get funded soon, I will either have to purchase the materials myself, or hope that the school still has funds available to purchase them for me.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty positive about my life right now. That is a good thing.

Hope is a Bitch!

I am over my whole hysteria wondering whether we will be good parents, for now. DF and I talked and he has made me feel much more secure with everything. So, on that front, things look good.

However, as we know, if it's not one thing it's another. On Monday, we took MIL to an appointment with her cardiologist and then to her post heart surgery rehab. Lots of sitting around, nothing too strenuous. However, by the end, I was sitting and getting dizzy. I was also really tired. I hadn't really done anything except sit and talk, so there was no reason for the fatigue. When we got back to the in-laws' I asked FIL to take my blood pressure. It was pretty low.

About 20 years ago, I had half of my thyroid removed due to a benign nodule that was growing on it. Lately, the other half has started to grow. DF noticed it quite a few months ago, but I dismissed it at the time. Now I'm thinking that may be the cause for all of this. I think I may be hypothyroid. I have an appointment with my Dr. later today.

I have been talking with friends about this and one of them who was hyperthyroid, got pg the first month she began ttc after her thyroid was controlled. I know that is her story, not mine, but DAMN! I just can't help hoping. I know that's not healthy for me. I know that there is a very good chance that I will never get pregnant. I know that the more I hope, the more disappointed I am likely to be, and yet.... Hope is a bitch!

Will We Make Good Parents?

He has problems following through. I have problems making him follow through. We have $$ issues (but then again, post-Bush, who doesn't?) We are not the most organized couple in the world. Our life isn't terribly structured. We pretty much do what we want, when we want.

I know all of these are issues because they would be huge issues in my classroom. My classroom is very structured. There is always follow through. There is planning. There is organization. My classroom is the opposite of my home life. And it's that way because that's what I think children need. Does being a mom mean I'm going to have to be more teacher-like 24/7. I don't know if I can do that. I am exhausted by the time I get home. My students take so much out of me, because I give so much of myself to them.

Am I really ready to take care of someone else? Am I grown up enough? Hell, I can't even keep a plant alive beyond a week, two if it's really hardy!

WTF?! I haven't even finished filling out all the paperwork, since we know he's not going to do any of the filling out, and I'm already not sure. Is this normal, or should I just give it up and not bother going any further. I want to do a good job raising my child. I feel like I'm really going to mess them up. I don't want to be a mess of a mom. But beyond that foster adoption! Really!

OMG! Kids who are adopted have so many issues that non adopted kids don't have. Issues of identity, of fitting in. Am I going to be able to be sensitive enough to raise an adopted child. I could probably muddle through, but an adopted child who has been through the system!? Gah! These kids have been through some serious issues. Will I be a good enough parent to help them deal with their issues? Will I be able to parent a child to grow to be a happy, healthy adult?

And what about the whole pregnancy thing. What about the whole baby thing? What about the whole breast feeding my child thing? Will these be things I will be able to get over? And even if I am able to get over it, will I be able to be emotionally healthy enough as a parent to not have my issues become issues for my child?!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm kind of freaking out right now. Way to start the new year!