I know that having gone through, and sharing the pain of many online friends who have also gone through infertility, I will never forget that pain. I hope with time it dulls a bit, but infertility is a part of who I am, for better or for worse.This is so difficult to come to terms with. I only have one more form to fill out for DF, but that form is the most difficult for him because it's the one where they look to see whether you are good enough, or rather whether "they" think you are good enough. Our home is not perfect, nor is it a death trap. Yet, by "their" standards it is probably not good enough as is. We will need to make a number of minor changes so "they" will feel okay placing a child with us. If and when "they" decide to place a child with us, how many times will they come to check up on us? How many times, and how long will we have to prove ourselves? I am not the type to really care what other people think of us, and yet if I don't...
As for having a bio child and what we will miss, I know that I will miss the pregnancy, breast feeding, and seeing physical traits of both my fiance and I as the child grows up. However, I have lately begun to wonder how long it will take for the right child to come and be our forever child after we go through the process. How much easier it would be to not have to fill out paperwork, to not have to have our home and background inspected, to not have to wonder whether someone I don't know will think we are good enough. In other words, to have a child of our own that we could be sure would be ours forever.
I wish we didn't have to go through this tedious process. I wish we didn't have to play "their" game. I wish we could just pass Go and collect our baby. I wish we could have a bio child that would eliminate all these other worries.
3 comments:
(((hugs)))
I'm in a similar place, and I hate the idea of having to "prove" to someone that I deserve to be a mom. I understand why they have to be so careful, but it's kind of one more thing to add to the (long) list of infertility unfairness.
Hang in there hon. I know it seems like so many more obstacles to overcome, but at some point those *will* all be behind you. And you and DF will be parents and you'll love your child all the more because of all the things you had to overcome.
kitty! I have been thinking of you and recruiting everyone to get a message to you! Could you PM me at LP or Facebook and let me know how you are doing. Oh, and Donna says hello!
Yes sweetie. Well said.
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