Feeling Barren

I have, for the past several weeks, had a growing feeling that I will never conceive. I voiced it today for the first time. My dear friend, P, told me not to think like that, after all I haven't even been tested. She pointed out it could be something as simple as a blocked tube.

My mind started whirling, and I came to the depressing conclusion that it doesn't matter if it's even something as simple as just needing clomid because I'm never going to get it anyway. DF still hasn't done the 2nd SA. For god's sake it's coming in a cup!

DF noticed my sadness and asked what was wrong. I told him he didn't want to know, as has been my experience with such conversations between us. He insisted that he did want to know. When I told him, he immediately changed the topic. Yeah, he wanted to know, he just didn't want to deal with it....

Update: He just noticed me typing furiously, so he has promised to go get his SA tomorrow. We'll see if it actually happens. I have been disappointed by his promises too often to just blindly believe what he says. Sad, but true.

If he does do this SA, it will be yet another struggle to get the third one done.

Update: He can't get his SA tomorrow. He hasn't come in like a month. Yeah, that's how pathetic our love life is. So, as of now, the schedule is for him to come tomorrow and go in for his SA on Monday. Yeah, it's not going to happen. Frick! Frick! Frick!!!!

July 17, 2007--TAB

At what point do you put a dream on hold? When your dream is dependent on someone else, it's when the other party isn't moving toward your same dream.

DF admitted a while back that he had never done his SA. It hurt so much, but he didn't seem to understand. At some point, I finally started believing he actually understood, and he promised to go last week. It didn't happen. My TTC dream is now on hold.

We have been TTC for 16 cycles. I know that we are not going to get pregnant without some type of intervention. He kept wanting to try hoping it would happen. He is scared that it will turn out to be a problem with his sperm and that I will hate him. That would never happen. He says we haven't had the money for it. If it were a priority, we/he could find the money. He says he will go when he gets the money. No point in TTC until he does.

Kaiser won't do any testing on me, until he has this test done. Even if there is something wrong with me, we can't find out and we can't fix it, because he won't go come in a cup. I wish I got to come during my IF testing. Still, I wish I were at the point of getting me tested. It would put us that much closer to getting pregnant, and having our baby.

However, because DF hasn't gotten his SA, my dream is on hold, and will stay on hold until he shows me the paperwork from the lab. I won't be taking his word for it again.

July 2, 2007--anxiety

I suffer from anxiety. This condition is almost immobilizing at times. I'll spend hours on the computer. I have a hard time getting myself to perform the easiest tasks, like watering the plants or doing the dishes. I try to be very quiet so no one in the complex can hear me. Some days I can't even get myself to shower, either because I don't want anyone to hear me, or because I can't get myself to do anything, even that.
Small things put me into that mode. Sometimes when I can't find something, no matter how inconsequential, I start feeling really upset; I go into a dark hole where I just feel like I'm falling. There doesn't seem to be a way out. It all just seems hopeless, and without that item, my whole life will fall apart.

I don't want to communicate with anyone. I don't want to let them in. I don't want them to see the void that is my life. I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I don't want to have conversations, because I'm at a loss as to what to say. I can't talk to anyone about this, because no one understands. They say things that aren't correct and just make me feel worse. They tell me to do or try things that make perfect sense to them, but either I've tried it, or it just has nothing to do with my reality at the time.

There's no escape. There's no hope. There's nothing but negativity. It's all around, and it's all consuming. And people demand from you. They never stop. It's always something, someone, some situation. How do you deal with anything else when you can't even deal with your own thoughts and your own mind. How do you escape the inescapable.