Why don't you just adopt?

The following is part of one of my posts from a message board I am on.

I know that having gone through, and sharing the pain of many online friends who have also gone through infertility, I will never forget that pain. I hope with time it dulls a bit, but infertility is a part of who I am, for better or for worse.

As for having a bio child and what we will miss, I know that I will miss the pregnancy, breast feeding, and seeing physical traits of both my fiance and I as the child grows up. However, I have lately begun to wonder how long it will take for the right child to come and be our forever child after we go through the process. How much easier it would be to not have to fill out paperwork, to not have to have our home and background inspected, to not have to wonder whether someone I don't know will think we are good enough. In other words, to have a child of our own that we could be sure would be ours forever.

This is so difficult to come to terms with. I only have one more form to fill out for DF, but that form is the most difficult for him because it's the one where they look to see whether you are good enough, or rather whether "they" think you are good enough. Our home is not perfect, nor is it a death trap. Yet, by "their" standards it is probably not good enough as is. We will need to make a number of minor changes so "they" will feel okay placing a child with us. If and when "they" decide to place a child with us, how many times will they come to check up on us? How many times, and how long will we have to prove ourselves? I am not the type to really care what other people think of us, and yet if I don't...

I wish we didn't have to go through this tedious process. I wish we didn't have to play "their" game. I wish we could just pass Go and collect our baby. I wish we could have a bio child that would eliminate all these other worries.

Update on me

I still have no idea what is wrong with me. I went to the Dr. and all tests came back normal except, I was found to have a vitamin D deficiency. Yes, vitamin D deficiency can lead to infertility. Who knew?! My thyroid continues to grow and a nodule was found on it during the ultrasound. Unfortunately, I continue to play phone tag with the radiology department to schedule a biopsy. For whatever reason, they don't believe me that it is okay to call DF and have him schedule an appointment for me. Instead they insist on calling me during work hours when I am unable to answer the phone.

As for adoption, I still have to fill out the paperwork for DF. I am trying to word things for him in such a way that will make it all as positive as possible. I have recently read of some foster adopt cases that did not go well, but I learned my lesson with infertility. I am keeping all of those stories to myself, or qualifying them with a timeline during which our state laws have changed. He still seems like a go for the whole process, so that is a positive. We should be starting our PS MAPP classes at the end of the month. We got a call from one location to register, but we want to have several locations so that we can choose the social worker we get along with best.

Work is going well for me. I have received all my materials from Donors Choose, so my classroom is really awesome for this second semester. We are doing worm composting. The kids absolutely love feeding the worms and getting their hands dirty. We are also going to be doing aquaponics. That should be very interesting. I hope I can keep the fish and the plants alive. For Earth and Space science we received refracting telescopes, so the kids will be able to take a telescope home to look at the stars at night. I am trying to get a star theater that turns my classroom into a planetarium and some star maps as well. If my proposal doesn't get funded soon, I will either have to purchase the materials myself, or hope that the school still has funds available to purchase them for me.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty positive about my life right now. That is a good thing.