He has problems following through. I have problems making him follow through. We have $$ issues (but then again, post-Bush, who doesn't?) We are not the most organized couple in the world. Our life isn't terribly structured. We pretty much do what we want, when we want.
I know all of these are issues because they would be huge issues in my classroom. My classroom is very structured. There is always follow through. There is planning. There is organization. My classroom is the opposite of my home life. And it's that way because that's what I think children need. Does being a mom mean I'm going to have to be more teacher-like 24/7. I don't know if I can do that. I am exhausted by the time I get home. My students take so much out of me, because I give so much of myself to them.
Am I really ready to take care of someone else? Am I grown up enough? Hell, I can't even keep a plant alive beyond a week, two if it's really hardy!
WTF?! I haven't even finished filling out all the paperwork, since we know he's not going to do any of the filling out, and I'm already not sure. Is this normal, or should I just give it up and not bother going any further. I want to do a good job raising my child. I feel like I'm really going to mess them up. I don't want to be a mess of a mom. But beyond that foster adoption! Really!
OMG! Kids who are adopted have so many issues that non adopted kids don't have. Issues of identity, of fitting in. Am I going to be able to be sensitive enough to raise an adopted child. I could probably muddle through, but an adopted child who has been through the system!? Gah! These kids have been through some serious issues. Will I be a good enough parent to help them deal with their issues? Will I be able to parent a child to grow to be a happy, healthy adult?
And what about the whole pregnancy thing. What about the whole baby thing? What about the whole breast feeding my child thing? Will these be things I will be able to get over? And even if I am able to get over it, will I be able to be emotionally healthy enough as a parent to not have my issues become issues for my child?!
OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm kind of freaking out right now. Way to start the new year!
2 comments:
Gosh what to say........... I realize more and more I am closer to my FF/LP friends than in real life! I feel each word you write as if my own! Esp the classroom thing my kids parents say it daily- you're so organize, patient, clean, orderly etc etc!
We are the same with the money thing we are not rich and I use to make 3x's the amount myself when I was doing hair in Boston but we still do weekend trips monthly, I still buy my Paige jeans for $125 (and that is on sale *gulp*) oh and my $400 Chanel sunglasses but I say "phuck" it, I don't have kids so I can do it now!!!!
I toy with my emotions daily on the same thing will I be a good foster/adoptive mom if it comes to that? Can I give them the void that this child needs? Hell to the yeah my void is so empty and in so many ways we are alike (foster/adopt-child/parent) I really try to understand "gods" path for me and I really try to understand that my path is to fill someone void that will fill mine even more! The lost child never really realizes how much they are doing for us instead of what we did for them!
Bottom line your emotional post hits me hard and at home, you are not alone! It is just something some people do not understand! I have a great family and the best of friends; there are actually 25 girls from Jr High and prob about the same for guys so 50 of us that are TIGHT- but out of that 50 friends I have one that is still infertile! Sometimes that is why my closeness is towards the FF it is a bond that is strong w/out knowing each other truly. And I would not wish that feeling to my worse enemy!!!
I am glad we made you giggle................
PS do I get a sticker to put on my good girl chart :P
Huge (((hugs))) hon. I could have written almost the exact same post. I've been freaking out about having to get through the home study process (some similar issues- money, lack of organization, mental health issues for both of us . . .). What if they decide I don't "deserve" to be a mom? And we haven't even gone to an orientation meeting yet!
I think you'll be a great mom. You'll figure out how to balance priorities- just like you keep your classroom super organized now, you'll be able to keep your home organized "enough" when you have a child to do it for. I don't think it's fair to yourself to judge what kind of mother you'll be based on current habits- especially when you know you have it in you to be more structured.
As far as the foster adopt thing- yes, kids who have been through the system have more issues. But if you go into it knowing that, and you're willing to give them all the love you have, and you know when to ask for help, I think you'll get through. Giving a kid that is in the system a long-term family is already a huge step up for them from being moved from home to home.
All of this completely sucks. But I have to believe that as we start to take baby steps forward it will get better. For me at least, right now it's hard to imagine getting to the point where adopting isn't my "second choice" anymore, but I know I'll get there eventually.
((hugs))
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