Letter to my IRL fertile friend(s)

A friend's post got me thinking about my friends. My IRL friends, and how I have neglected and avoided them for the past couple of years because they all have babies. They have been on my mind and I have felt so guilty about not seeing them. I wrote one of them this message.

Hi, L. I am embarrassed and nervous about writing this email, but I really feel a need to right now. Please read through and if at the end you would like to tell me that I am a horrible friend and to f off, I will absolutely understand.

I am reaching out to you, because I think of all the girls, you would be most likely to understand, as you have been where I am. I am talking about infertility. I don't really know too much of what you went through, as you and I never talked about it, but I do know that for a couple of years, you wanted a baby and were unable to conceive. For the past two years, DF and I have been trying to conceive and have not been able to get pregnant. It hurts in a way that is almost unbearable, and yet social norms force me to keep my pain and other emotions to myself. Those other emotions I am referring to are sadness, anger, jealousy, resentment, despair, etc. I don't know how many of those feelings took a hold of you during your trying times, or if you remember how it felt, but this is pretty much my daily reality at this time.

I love you girls, and I miss my friends to the point that my heart physically aches. However, the thought of being in a room full of mommies and their babies is more than I can bear at this point. I'm afraid I would just break down and be crying the whole time...or worse, I might take one of your babies and bolt! You all would be chasing me down the street like a crazy female posse. (If you have forgotten my quirky humor, the first is probably the more likely scenario.)

I want you to understand that I am happy for you girls. I really am very happy for each and every blessing that each of you has in her life. However, being happy for you does not circumvent my being sad for myself and longing for what I want so much and have not been able to, and may never achieve. It's a strange dichotomy of feelings, elation for you and all of the aforementioned feelings for myself.

So, there you have it. This is my explanation, and my apology for having been such a horrible friend for the past couple of years. Call it a survival mechanism. I love you girls, and I miss you. However, I cannot see you in person. Perhaps, you all would allow me to communicate with you via e-mail, or perhaps all or some of you would just like to tell me to f off. I can't say I would blame you.

L, I don't know whether this makes any sense to you, but reaching out to you was something I had to do. Regardless of where this leads, you are and have always been in my heart and thoughts, and I wish only the best for you and your family.

Love,
Rosa