Just read a blog that was asking the same question that has been on my mind. Why! Why is it so easy for others and so hard for me? Why do people who don't want them, get to have kids? Why do young children end up having babies? Why don't I have a baby in my arms? Why??? Why??? Why???
Is it some karmic thing? Did I do something really awful in a past life that I now have to pay for in this way? Was I a horrible parent? Was I an ungrateful fertile? Was I some type of monster?
Or maybe God just hates me! I've stayed away from that question. Somehow, I have managed to tell myself over and over that everything in this life is happening exactly as it must for me. But, COME ON ALREADY! Enough is enough! I'm seriously wondering, not so much whether God hates me, but more like maybe God just doesn't love me. Maybe, God can't be bothered with my problems. Maybe God just doesn't care enough about me to actually help me with what I want most in life. Maybe, things aren't happening exactly as they are supposed to for me, but more like just happening because God could care less. If this is some type of test to prove my faith, I failed miserably. If this is one of those things where God won't give us more than we can handle, then it needs to stop now because I can't handle much more. I'm getting to the breaking point.
What does it mean to break? And God, why are you pushing me there?
Top Ten for 10 Years
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Today is our 10 year wedding anniversary. For our present to each other, we
just took a family trip to Boston and the White Mountains of New Hampshire.
It....
10 years ago
2 comments:
I've been questioning why a lot lately too.
I wish I had the answers for you. I spent a lot of time asking "why?" after our losses, and I could only come up with the fact that we have to endure suffering because we live in a sinful world (thanks Adam and Eve!). I DO believe that God loves you very much and that His heart is hurting because you are hurting. He hasn't left you alone to hurt by yourself. He does care, and I don't believe He's punishing you for being an ungrateful fertile or a horrible parent.
I'm sorry you're having to endure such horrible pain. I think that God doesn't give us more than we can handle when we fully depend on Him. Just about everything that comes at us is more than we can handle all by ourselves, but with His strength we are able to get through the hard times. It's not easy to let go and trust Him, especially when you want something so bad. My heart truly does hurt for you!! It's not fair that druggies and teens get to have babies while we're left to suffer through IF. I don't have all the answers...I really wish I did. I just know that God has not left you alone to suffer.
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