July 17, 2007--TAB

At what point do you put a dream on hold? When your dream is dependent on someone else, it's when the other party isn't moving toward your same dream.

DF admitted a while back that he had never done his SA. It hurt so much, but he didn't seem to understand. At some point, I finally started believing he actually understood, and he promised to go last week. It didn't happen. My TTC dream is now on hold.

We have been TTC for 16 cycles. I know that we are not going to get pregnant without some type of intervention. He kept wanting to try hoping it would happen. He is scared that it will turn out to be a problem with his sperm and that I will hate him. That would never happen. He says we haven't had the money for it. If it were a priority, we/he could find the money. He says he will go when he gets the money. No point in TTC until he does.

Kaiser won't do any testing on me, until he has this test done. Even if there is something wrong with me, we can't find out and we can't fix it, because he won't go come in a cup. I wish I got to come during my IF testing. Still, I wish I were at the point of getting me tested. It would put us that much closer to getting pregnant, and having our baby.

However, because DF hasn't gotten his SA, my dream is on hold, and will stay on hold until he shows me the paperwork from the lab. I won't be taking his word for it again.