Why don't you just adopt?

The following is part of one of my posts from a message board I am on.

I know that having gone through, and sharing the pain of many online friends who have also gone through infertility, I will never forget that pain. I hope with time it dulls a bit, but infertility is a part of who I am, for better or for worse.

As for having a bio child and what we will miss, I know that I will miss the pregnancy, breast feeding, and seeing physical traits of both my fiance and I as the child grows up. However, I have lately begun to wonder how long it will take for the right child to come and be our forever child after we go through the process. How much easier it would be to not have to fill out paperwork, to not have to have our home and background inspected, to not have to wonder whether someone I don't know will think we are good enough. In other words, to have a child of our own that we could be sure would be ours forever.

This is so difficult to come to terms with. I only have one more form to fill out for DF, but that form is the most difficult for him because it's the one where they look to see whether you are good enough, or rather whether "they" think you are good enough. Our home is not perfect, nor is it a death trap. Yet, by "their" standards it is probably not good enough as is. We will need to make a number of minor changes so "they" will feel okay placing a child with us. If and when "they" decide to place a child with us, how many times will they come to check up on us? How many times, and how long will we have to prove ourselves? I am not the type to really care what other people think of us, and yet if I don't...

I wish we didn't have to go through this tedious process. I wish we didn't have to play "their" game. I wish we could just pass Go and collect our baby. I wish we could have a bio child that would eliminate all these other worries.

Hope is a Bitch!

I am over my whole hysteria wondering whether we will be good parents, for now. DF and I talked and he has made me feel much more secure with everything. So, on that front, things look good.

However, as we know, if it's not one thing it's another. On Monday, we took MIL to an appointment with her cardiologist and then to her post heart surgery rehab. Lots of sitting around, nothing too strenuous. However, by the end, I was sitting and getting dizzy. I was also really tired. I hadn't really done anything except sit and talk, so there was no reason for the fatigue. When we got back to the in-laws' I asked FIL to take my blood pressure. It was pretty low.

About 20 years ago, I had half of my thyroid removed due to a benign nodule that was growing on it. Lately, the other half has started to grow. DF noticed it quite a few months ago, but I dismissed it at the time. Now I'm thinking that may be the cause for all of this. I think I may be hypothyroid. I have an appointment with my Dr. later today.

I have been talking with friends about this and one of them who was hyperthyroid, got pg the first month she began ttc after her thyroid was controlled. I know that is her story, not mine, but DAMN! I just can't help hoping. I know that's not healthy for me. I know that there is a very good chance that I will never get pregnant. I know that the more I hope, the more disappointed I am likely to be, and yet.... Hope is a bitch!