July 2, 2007--anxiety

I suffer from anxiety. This condition is almost immobilizing at times. I'll spend hours on the computer. I have a hard time getting myself to perform the easiest tasks, like watering the plants or doing the dishes. I try to be very quiet so no one in the complex can hear me. Some days I can't even get myself to shower, either because I don't want anyone to hear me, or because I can't get myself to do anything, even that.
Small things put me into that mode. Sometimes when I can't find something, no matter how inconsequential, I start feeling really upset; I go into a dark hole where I just feel like I'm falling. There doesn't seem to be a way out. It all just seems hopeless, and without that item, my whole life will fall apart.

I don't want to communicate with anyone. I don't want to let them in. I don't want them to see the void that is my life. I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I don't want to have conversations, because I'm at a loss as to what to say. I can't talk to anyone about this, because no one understands. They say things that aren't correct and just make me feel worse. They tell me to do or try things that make perfect sense to them, but either I've tried it, or it just has nothing to do with my reality at the time.

There's no escape. There's no hope. There's nothing but negativity. It's all around, and it's all consuming. And people demand from you. They never stop. It's always something, someone, some situation. How do you deal with anything else when you can't even deal with your own thoughts and your own mind. How do you escape the inescapable.