Why God?

Just read a blog that was asking the same question that has been on my mind. Why! Why is it so easy for others and so hard for me? Why do people who don't want them, get to have kids? Why do young children end up having babies? Why don't I have a baby in my arms? Why??? Why??? Why???

Is it some karmic thing? Did I do something really awful in a past life that I now have to pay for in this way? Was I a horrible parent? Was I an ungrateful fertile? Was I some type of monster?

Or maybe God just hates me! I've stayed away from that question. Somehow, I have managed to tell myself over and over that everything in this life is happening exactly as it must for me. But, COME ON ALREADY! Enough is enough! I'm seriously wondering, not so much whether God hates me, but more like maybe God just doesn't love me. Maybe, God can't be bothered with my problems. Maybe God just doesn't care enough about me to actually help me with what I want most in life. Maybe, things aren't happening exactly as they are supposed to for me, but more like just happening because God could care less. If this is some type of test to prove my faith, I failed miserably. If this is one of those things where God won't give us more than we can handle, then it needs to stop now because I can't handle much more. I'm getting to the breaking point.

What does it mean to break? And God, why are you pushing me there?

Loss of TTC innocence

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today with a slight tickle in my throat. When I went to the restroom, there was plenty of creamy cm to be had. There was a time when these little symptoms would have brought a happy smile to my face, a positive thought to my mind, and a skip to my step. If you know not what I am talking about, then you are long over due for a visit to any forum for fertiles in the two week wait. As anyone who has been there any amount of weeks can tell you, these are sure signs of pregnancy...for them.

Today these symptoms did bring a smile to my face, a wry smile. They also brought a thought to my mind, a sarcastic thought. And my step, well it was less of a skip and more of a stomp. Why does my body bother sending out these symptoms when we both (my body and my mind) know that it's all for naught. Why have I ever had these symptoms? And how could I have been so stupid as to once believe that these might actually signal my pregnancy?

A part of me wishes I was still that stupid. I miss feeling happy and optimistic. I miss the excitement and anticipation of the possibility. I miss not knowing any better. But I do. Damn me and my insatiable need to Google!

Teenage pregnancy

This issue has been on my mind today. I don't know what brought it into my head, possibly the incessant headlines about Jamie Lynn Spears. I was thinking how sad it is that she is not going to be giving her baby up for adoption. It would be the only way that child could possibly live a normal, happy life. In fact it's a shame that more pregnant teens don't choose adoption.

I know the choice is theirs, and I know that they have several choices, including abortion, adoption, raising their baby themselves, or giving it to mom to raise, but why would they choose to raise the child themselves...and in JLS's case why give it to mom to raise when she has already shown that she will do a crappy job of it!? What are these teens thinking? They must just be thinking about the cute factor without really giving thought to financial factors and all around stability. This is so unfair to the babies.

I decided to search the web to see whether teens are even being encouraged to choose adoption. I did find a few sites, but I believe that the young people who would go to those sites are those who have already chosen adoption. In other words they are preaching to the choir. One question that did catch my attention while surfing those sites, however, was the question about race.

Apparently, Black couples are less likely to want to adopt and Hispanic couples even less so. This brought two questions to mind. Are white couples open to interracial adoption? I've seen a lot of posts by white women stating that they would prefer to adopt from Eastern Europe because they would prefer a white baby. Where does this leave the non-white pregnant teens? And it seems the reverse is true as well. Black and Hispanic couples are likely to have a shorter wait because the mothers of a similar race will choose them first. So, who ends up losing? To me, it seems as if everyone does. The couples wanting to adopt have long waits, the pregnant teens have fewer couples to choose from, and worst, the babies are being placed due to race not other possibly more pertinent issues.

This brings me back to my original question. Why aren't more teens choosing adoption? Could it be that these racial issues within the adoption process are discouraging teens from choosing adoption? Could it be that they are afraid that their baby will be unwanted?

That may be part of it, but I also know for a fact that another part of it is cultural. At least, it is in the Hispanic community. If a young girl becomes pregnant and begins to show, she is expected to raise her baby, even if she needs her parents help. These young girls will live at home and the entire family, especially her mom will pitch in to help raise the baby. Adoption is definitely frowned on in the Latino community. I read a blog today by a teen who proposed that adoptive parents adopt the teen while she is pregnant. As silly and logistically impossible as that might be, it does seem that it would take something at least that drastic to help a pregnant Latina teen deal with pressures she will feel from her community. In reality, it is the whole perception of adoption within the culture that needs to be changed. How do we go about doing that. Seems like an impossible task.

WTF with the universe?

Today, was a gorgeous Southern California day. Sunny and warm, yet by the water there was just enough crispness in the air to make you feel fully alive. DF wanted to give me a beautiful day out, so we went to Lake Shrine. It's even more beautiful in person.

As we started on the trail around the lake what did I see, but a mother with her newborn, and a little two year old wearing a "Big Sis" t-shirt as she giggled with daddy. I warned DF that he had better stay between me and the mother otherwise I might snatch the baby from her and take off! Using his good judgment he stayed between me and her as we passed the family. Of course they were right behind us on the trail, and I couldn't help the tears from flowing. Finally, we sat down and let them pass. I waited a long time to give them time to get far ahead of us on the trail, or so I thought. They kept hanging around us. It was as if the universe were mocking me. At the end of the trail, DF had to go to the restroom. I waited on a bench outside. Who do you think came by not five seconds after I sat down? Ugh!

After that horrific experience, we decided to go to this restaurant on the beach for lunch. We pulled up to the valet and I looked to the side of our car, and who is there in the next valet line? Yup! That same family. I just shook my head and started laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. We quickly got out of the car and went into the restaurant. We were seated, and I was just grateful for the beauty that I saw as I looked to my right...until I looked to my left. Yeah, that same family was seated right next to us! I swear the rest of the restaurant was all adults. However, this family was meeting two other families with small children and of course they were seated next to us! Everywhere else it was adult land, but we were stuck in Romper Room! I only wish I had made my Bloody Mary a double!

Hey Universe, you owe me a beautiful, fertile-free day!

Letter to my IRL fertile friend(s)

A friend's post got me thinking about my friends. My IRL friends, and how I have neglected and avoided them for the past couple of years because they all have babies. They have been on my mind and I have felt so guilty about not seeing them. I wrote one of them this message.

Hi, L. I am embarrassed and nervous about writing this email, but I really feel a need to right now. Please read through and if at the end you would like to tell me that I am a horrible friend and to f off, I will absolutely understand.

I am reaching out to you, because I think of all the girls, you would be most likely to understand, as you have been where I am. I am talking about infertility. I don't really know too much of what you went through, as you and I never talked about it, but I do know that for a couple of years, you wanted a baby and were unable to conceive. For the past two years, DF and I have been trying to conceive and have not been able to get pregnant. It hurts in a way that is almost unbearable, and yet social norms force me to keep my pain and other emotions to myself. Those other emotions I am referring to are sadness, anger, jealousy, resentment, despair, etc. I don't know how many of those feelings took a hold of you during your trying times, or if you remember how it felt, but this is pretty much my daily reality at this time.

I love you girls, and I miss my friends to the point that my heart physically aches. However, the thought of being in a room full of mommies and their babies is more than I can bear at this point. I'm afraid I would just break down and be crying the whole time...or worse, I might take one of your babies and bolt! You all would be chasing me down the street like a crazy female posse. (If you have forgotten my quirky humor, the first is probably the more likely scenario.)

I want you to understand that I am happy for you girls. I really am very happy for each and every blessing that each of you has in her life. However, being happy for you does not circumvent my being sad for myself and longing for what I want so much and have not been able to, and may never achieve. It's a strange dichotomy of feelings, elation for you and all of the aforementioned feelings for myself.

So, there you have it. This is my explanation, and my apology for having been such a horrible friend for the past couple of years. Call it a survival mechanism. I love you girls, and I miss you. However, I cannot see you in person. Perhaps, you all would allow me to communicate with you via e-mail, or perhaps all or some of you would just like to tell me to f off. I can't say I would blame you.

L, I don't know whether this makes any sense to you, but reaching out to you was something I had to do. Regardless of where this leads, you are and have always been in my heart and thoughts, and I wish only the best for you and your family.

Love,
Rosa

I feel so dirty!

And it's not because I finally got my rear end to the gym and worked out! By the way, I am in such lousy shape it's not even funny. 15 minutes on the stair master and I was wheezing like a hog underwater! (No it doesn't make sense, but just go with it.)

The reason that I feel so dirty is all those evil feelings from FF today. I've been sort of keeping up with it, as best I could given that I don't have access. I am still dumbfounded by how evil some people can be. I mean I understand that they feel that we are being purposely mean and bitter when we ask women to be sensitive about their pregnancies and children, but the things that are being said today are truly evil. They are purposely being hurtful. They are cutting to the very core of our souls with their comments.

And they are taking pride in causing all this pain. These women are mothers! What are these women teaching their children? What kind of adults will these children grow into? I hope for their own sake that their kids have very strong character because their mothers are psycho!

That's it! It must be mental illness. I can't see another way. Poor kids to have to grow up with psychos who claim to be satanists. I feel very sorry for them. I wish there was some way to take those poor children away from them and give them to couples who are stable and would love to give them a good home.

My goodness! If I feel dirty from dealing with them from a distance, can you imagine how these poor children must feel facing that reality day after day? SAD!

Sharing my blog, oh my!

I was always really bad at writing in my diary, so maybe by sharing my blog with all of you, I'll feel some sense of responsibility to actually keep it up to date.

Where am I right now? Hmm, to tell you that, I guess I have to give you a bit of history about myself and my life. I'm engaged to wonderful, beautiful, supportive, loving, intelligent, emotionally f'ed up man. We not only have issues with infertility, but there are psychological/emotional issues that we must overcome before we can really go about dealing with the IF issues. I try to deal with both things at once, he's more of a one thing at a time type of person. Understandable since for the most part the issues we need to deal with are on his side. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of baggage and my mom left me with a truck load of issues of my own. However, what's keeping us from realizing our basic dreams, such as marriage and a family are mostly on his end.

Okay, so given that little bit of information, I can tell you that we had one SA done with lower than average numbers. I'm still working on getting him in to do the second SA. As I mentioned earlier he is more of a one thing at a time type, so right now, the SA is not the one thing. Frustrating trying to figure out how far to push without pushing him to far to the point where he falls apart.

So, where am I right now? I'm trying to get him to come so that in a few days he can go get his SA. Oh, so you don't think that's very challenging? Heh! You don't know what a challenge DF is. He seems to get sick, physically sick just before having to do anything he does not want to do. So yes, he is sick right now. Poor baby, I feel badly for him because I know he is suffering, but dang it! I also want to slap him and tell him to stop having such bad timing. Now I feel like I'm an awful partner and feel totally guilty.

I don't like feeling guilty, so I'm changing the topic. Here's a blinkie I made for next holiday season. Couldn't actually get myself to make it during the holidays, as that would have put me over the edge, but I'm all set for next year! (Hmm, for whatever reason you need to click on it to actually see it blinking and to save it blinking.)