Fluttering Through Life

Why don't you just adopt?

2009-02-17T19:04:00.000-08:00

The following is part of one of my posts from a message board I am on.

I know that having gone through, and sharing the pain of many online friends who have also gone through infertility, I will never forget that pain. I hope with time it dulls a bit, but infertility is a part of who I am, for better or for worse.

As for having a bio child and what we will miss, I know that I will miss the pregnancy, breast feeding, and seeing physical traits of both my fiance and I as the child grows up. However, I have lately begun to wonder how long it will take for the right child to come and be our forever child after we go through the process. How much easier it would be to not have to fill out paperwork, to not have to have our home and background inspected, to not have to wonder whether someone I don't know will think we are good enough. In other words, to have a child of our own that we could be sure would be ours forever.

This is so difficult to come to terms with. I only have one more form to fill out for DF, but that form is the most difficult for him because it's the one where they look to see whether you are good enough, or rather whether "they" think you are good enough. Our home is not perfect, nor is it a death trap. Yet, by "their" standards it is probably not good enough as is. We will need to make a number of minor changes so "they" will feel okay placing a child with us. If and when "they" decide to place a child with us, how many times will they come to check up on us? How many times, and how long will we have to prove ourselves? I am not the type to really care what other people think of us, and yet if I don't...

I wish we didn't have to go through this tedious process. I wish we didn't have to play "their" game. I wish we could just pass Go and collect our baby. I wish we could have a bio child that would eliminate all these other worries.

Update on me

2009-02-07T22:26:00.000-08:00

I still have no idea what is wrong with me. I went to the Dr. and all tests came back normal except, I was found to have a vitamin D deficiency. Yes, vitamin D deficiency can lead to infertility. Who knew?! My thyroid continues to grow and a nodule was found on it during the ultrasound. Unfortunately, I continue to play phone tag with the radiology department to schedule a biopsy. For whatever reason, they don't believe me that it is okay to call DF and have him schedule an appointment for me. Instead they insist on calling me during work hours when I am unable to answer the phone.

As for adoption, I still have to fill out the paperwork for DF. I am trying to word things for him in such a way that will make it all as positive as possible. I have recently read of some foster adopt cases that did not go well, but I learned my lesson with infertility. I am keeping all of those stories to myself, or qualifying them with a timeline during which our state laws have changed. He still seems like a go for the whole process, so that is a positive. We should be starting our PS MAPP classes at the end of the month. We got a call from one location to register, but we want to have several locations so that we can choose the social worker we get along with best.

Work is going well for me. I have received all my materials from Donors Choose, so my classroom is really awesome for this second semester. We are doing worm composting. The kids absolutely love feeding the worms and getting their hands dirty. We are also going to be doing aquaponics. That should be very interesting. I hope I can keep the fish and the plants alive. For Earth and Space science we received refracting telescopes, so the kids will be able to take a telescope home to look at the stars at night. I am trying to get a star theater that turns my classroom into a planetarium and some star maps as well. If my proposal doesn't get funded soon, I will either have to purchase the materials myself, or hope that the school still has funds available to purchase them for me.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty positive about my life right now. That is a good thing.

Hope is a Bitch!

2009-01-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am over my whole hysteria wondering whether we will be good parents, for now. DF and I talked and he has made me feel much more secure with everything. So, on that front, things look good.

However, as we know, if it's not one thing it's another. On Monday, we took MIL to an appointment with her cardiologist and then to her post heart surgery rehab. Lots of sitting around, nothing too strenuous. However, by the end, I was sitting and getting dizzy. I was also really tired. I hadn't really done anything except sit and talk, so there was no reason for the fatigue. When we got back to the in-laws' I asked FIL to take my blood pressure. It was pretty low.

About 20 years ago, I had half of my thyroid removed due to a benign nodule that was growing on it. Lately, the other half has started to grow. DF noticed it quite a few months ago, but I dismissed it at the time. Now I'm thinking that may be the cause for all of this. I think I may be hypothyroid. I have an appointment with my Dr. later today.

I have been talking with friends about this and one of them who was hyperthyroid, got pg the first month she began ttc after her thyroid was controlled. I know that is her story, not mine, but DAMN! I just can't help hoping. I know that's not healthy for me. I know that there is a very good chance that I will never get pregnant. I know that the more I hope, the more disappointed I am likely to be, and yet.... Hope is a bitch!

Will We Make Good Parents?

2009-01-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

He has problems following through. I have problems making him follow through. We have $$ issues (but then again, post-Bush, who doesn't?) We are not the most organized couple in the world. Our life isn't terribly structured. We pretty much do what we want, when we want.

I know all of these are issues because they would be huge issues in my classroom. My classroom is very structured. There is always follow through. There is planning. There is organization. My classroom is the opposite of my home life. And it's that way because that's what I think children need. Does being a mom mean I'm going to have to be more teacher-like 24/7. I don't know if I can do that. I am exhausted by the time I get home. My students take so much out of me, because I give so much of myself to them.

Am I really ready to take care of someone else? Am I grown up enough? Hell, I can't even keep a plant alive beyond a week, two if it's really hardy!

WTF?! I haven't even finished filling out all the paperwork, since we know he's not going to do any of the filling out, and I'm already not sure. Is this normal, or should I just give it up and not bother going any further. I want to do a good job raising my child. I feel like I'm really going to mess them up. I don't want to be a mess of a mom. But beyond that foster adoption! Really!

OMG! Kids who are adopted have so many issues that non adopted kids don't have. Issues of identity, of fitting in. Am I going to be able to be sensitive enough to raise an adopted child. I could probably muddle through, but an adopted child who has been through the system!? Gah! These kids have been through some serious issues. Will I be a good enough parent to help them deal with their issues? Will I be able to parent a child to grow to be a happy, healthy adult?

And what about the whole pregnancy thing. What about the whole baby thing? What about the whole breast feeding my child thing? Will these be things I will be able to get over? And even if I am able to get over it, will I be able to be emotionally healthy enough as a parent to not have my issues become issues for my child?!

OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm kind of freaking out right now. Way to start the new year!

Foster/Adoption Orientation Meeting

2008-12-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

Just got home from the information meeting. It's a long process, but I am very excited to get started on it!

This post is going to include more information than most of you will probably want to know, so this is your warning. :)

Apparently in Los Angeles County there are two agencies that you must deal with when fostering. You must go through the requirements for L.A. DCFS, and you have to get certified by the state. The first presenter today was a social worker from DCFS, and he was wonderful. The second presenter was from the state and she confused the bejeezus out of me! I'm going to need to call the state office and talk to a different social worker to have them clarify everything for me.

From what I understand, the next step is to send an application to the state office. You then get a case number that you use to get your fingerprints and the criminal background check. Along with that, you need to submit a bunch of other forms and paperwork.

The county also requires 33 hours of PS-MAAP training classes over a 6 week period of time. These will not begin until February! WTF?! Don't they know some of us have already been waiting too long to get a child into our lives?! Anyway, the classes are taught at Community Colleges by social workers. As we saw today, some social workers are better than others, so we plan on going to several different classes to check out the social workers because they will be the ones doing our homestudy. We hope to get someone who is intelligent and with whom we feel we can build a good rapport.

The first social worker said that currently there are about 500 kids in L.A. county waiting to be adopted, so hopefully we won't have to wait too long after we finish the process in April. There are many things we must do to complete this, but I am very happy to have a plan and to have completed the first step...the orientation!

Help save the rainforest just by clicking!

2008-06-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

You can actually help me to save the rain forest by clicking on this cute little button. Come on help me. What do you have to lose? ;)

FARTS!

2008-05-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

After reading a fellow blogger's post about farts, I decided to take on her challenge write my own post about farts. Of course as soon as I finished reading her post I had to go poop, but I digress; the topic is farts.

Oh, this is a favorite in my sixth grade classroom. Every year, I have one student who will let one rip in my classroom, and as they are mercilessly being teased by the rest of the class, I must go into the lecture of how everyone farts. My classroom full of 11 year olds sits there in astonishment that this is actually being discussed at school. Until, inevitably, one of them asks, "Do you fart?" To which I answer, "Yes!" Laughter ensues, with a challenge from one of them for me to fart right then and there. I am not an on-command farter, so I unfortunately cannot oblige. Some of them being more talented in this area than I am, feel the need to immediately...and for the rest of the day, show off their talent. Oh, the stench!

Closer to home, we definitely have a farting household. DF started it, by letting some foul creatures out of his a$$! However, when he started it, he was quite unaware that just one milkshake (or any dairy product for that matter) later, I would be giving him a run for his money...or at least making him run out of the room. After I let an especially nice one out, he always asks me, "How can something so cute and small be so stinky?" Oh yeah! I usually giggle proudly just to let him know, I am no one's flatulence push over!

Let's see if we can take on the challenge and continue our fart posts all throughout blogland.

Why God?

2008-05-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Just read a blog that was asking the same question that has been on my mind. Why! Why is it so easy for others and so hard for me? Why do people who don't want them, get to have kids? Why do young children end up having babies? Why don't I have a baby in my arms? Why??? Why??? Why???

Is it some karmic thing? Did I do something really awful in a past life that I now have to pay for in this way? Was I a horrible parent? Was I an ungrateful fertile? Was I some type of monster?

Or maybe God just hates me! I've stayed away from that question. Somehow, I have managed to tell myself over and over that everything in this life is happening exactly as it must for me. But, COME ON ALREADY! Enough is enough! I'm seriously wondering, not so much whether God hates me, but more like maybe God just doesn't love me. Maybe, God can't be bothered with my problems. Maybe God just doesn't care enough about me to actually help me with what I want most in life. Maybe, things aren't happening exactly as they are supposed to for me, but more like just happening because God could care less. If this is some type of test to prove my faith, I failed miserably. If this is one of those things where God won't give us more than we can handle, then it needs to stop now because I can't handle much more. I'm getting to the breaking point.

What does it mean to break? And God, why are you pushing me there?

Loss of TTC innocence

2008-01-31T17:44:00.000-08:00

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today with a slight tickle in my throat. When I went to the restroom, there was plenty of creamy cm to be had. There was a time when these little symptoms would have brought a happy smile to my face, a positive thought to my mind, and a skip to my step. If you know not what I am talking about, then you are long over due for a visit to any forum for fertiles in the two week wait. As anyone who has been there any amount of weeks can tell you, these are sure signs of pregnancy...for them.

Today these symptoms did bring a smile to my face, a wry smile. They also brought a thought to my mind, a sarcastic thought. And my step, well it was less of a skip and more of a stomp. Why does my body bother sending out these symptoms when we both (my body and my mind) know that it's all for naught. Why have I ever had these symptoms? And how could I have been so stupid as to once believe that these might actually signal my pregnancy?

A part of me wishes I was still that stupid. I miss feeling happy and optimistic. I miss the excitement and anticipation of the possibility. I miss not knowing any better. But I do. Damn me and my insatiable need to Google!

Teenage pregnancy

2008-01-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

This issue has been on my mind today. I don't know what brought it into my head, possibly the incessant headlines about Jamie Lynn Spears. I was thinking how sad it is that she is not going to be giving her baby up for adoption. It would be the only way that child could possibly live a normal, happy life. In fact it's a shame that more pregnant teens don't choose adoption.

I know the choice is theirs, and I know that they have several choices, including abortion, adoption, raising their baby themselves, or giving it to mom to raise, but why would they choose to raise the child themselves...and in JLS's case why give it to mom to raise when she has already shown that she will do a crappy job of it!? What are these teens thinking? They must just be thinking about the cute factor without really giving thought to financial factors and all around stability. This is so unfair to the babies.

I decided to search the web to see whether teens are even being encouraged to choose adoption. I did find a few sites, but I believe that the young people who would go to those sites are those who have already chosen adoption. In other words they are preaching to the choir. One question that did catch my attention while surfing those sites, however, was the question about race.

Apparently, Black couples are less likely to want to adopt and Hispanic couples even less so. This brought two questions to mind. Are white couples open to interracial adoption? I've seen a lot of posts by white women stating that they would prefer to adopt from Eastern Europe because they would prefer a white baby. Where does this leave the non-white pregnant teens? And it seems the reverse is true as well. Black and Hispanic couples are likely to have a shorter wait because the mothers of a similar race will choose them first. So, who ends up losing? To me, it seems as if everyone does. The couples wanting to adopt have long waits, the pregnant teens have fewer couples to choose from, and worst, the babies are being placed due to race not other possibly more pertinent issues.

This brings me back to my original question. Why aren't more teens choosing adoption? Could it be that these racial issues within the adoption process are discouraging teens from choosing adoption? Could it be that they are afraid that their baby will be unwanted?

That may be part of it, but I also know for a fact that another part of it is cultural. At least, it is in the Hispanic community. If a young girl becomes pregnant and begins to show, she is expected to raise her baby, even if she needs her parents help. These young girls will live at home and the entire family, especially her mom will pitch in to help raise the baby. Adoption is definitely frowned on in the Latino community. I read a blog today by a teen who proposed that adoptive parents adopt the teen while she is pregnant. As silly and logistically impossible as that might be, it does seem that it would take something at least that drastic to help a pregnant Latina teen deal with pressures she will feel from her community. In reality, it is the whole perception of adoption within the culture that needs to be changed. How do we go about doing that. Seems like an impossible task.

WTF with the universe?

2008-01-21T00:11:00.000-08:00

Today, was a gorgeous Southern California day. Sunny and warm, yet by the water there was just enough crispness in the air to make you feel fully alive. DF wanted to give me a beautiful day out, so we went to Lake Shrine. It's even more beautiful in person.

As we started on the trail around the lake what did I see, but a mother with her newborn, and a little two year old wearing a "Big Sis" t-shirt as she giggled with daddy. I warned DF that he had better stay between me and the mother otherwise I might snatch the baby from her and take off! Using his good judgment he stayed between me and her as we passed the family. Of course they were right behind us on the trail, and I couldn't help the tears from flowing. Finally, we sat down and let them pass. I waited a long time to give them time to get far ahead of us on the trail, or so I thought. They kept hanging around us. It was as if the universe were mocking me. At the end of the trail, DF had to go to the restroom. I waited on a bench outside. Who do you think came by not five seconds after I sat down? Ugh!

After that horrific experience, we decided to go to this restaurant on the beach for lunch. We pulled up to the valet and I looked to the side of our car, and who is there in the next valet line? Yup! That same family. I just shook my head and started laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. We quickly got out of the car and went into the restaurant. We were seated, and I was just grateful for the beauty that I saw as I looked to my right...until I looked to my left. Yeah, that same family was seated right next to us! I swear the rest of the restaurant was all adults. However, this family was meeting two other families with small children and of course they were seated next to us! Everywhere else it was adult land, but we were stuck in Romper Room! I only wish I had made my Bloody Mary a double!

Hey Universe, you owe me a beautiful, fertile-free day!

Letter to my IRL fertile friend(s)

2008-01-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

A friend's post got me thinking about my friends. My IRL friends, and how I have neglected and avoided them for the past couple of years because they all have babies. They have been on my mind and I have felt so guilty about not seeing them. I wrote one of them this message.

Hi, L. I am embarrassed and nervous about writing this email, but I really feel a need to right now. Please read through and if at the end you would like to tell me that I am a horrible friend and to f off, I will absolutely understand.

I am reaching out to you, because I think of all the girls, you would be most likely to understand, as you have been where I am. I am talking about infertility. I don't really know too much of what you went through, as you and I never talked about it, but I do know that for a couple of years, you wanted a baby and were unable to conceive. For the past two years, DF and I have been trying to conceive and have not been able to get pregnant. It hurts in a way that is almost unbearable, and yet social norms force me to keep my pain and other emotions to myself. Those other emotions I am referring to are sadness, anger, jealousy, resentment, despair, etc. I don't know how many of those feelings took a hold of you during your trying times, or if you remember how it felt, but this is pretty much my daily reality at this time.

I love you girls, and I miss my friends to the point that my heart physically aches. However, the thought of being in a room full of mommies and their babies is more than I can bear at this point. I'm afraid I would just break down and be crying the whole time...or worse, I might take one of your babies and bolt! You all would be chasing me down the street like a crazy female posse. (If you have forgotten my quirky humor, the first is probably the more likely scenario.)

I want you to understand that I am happy for you girls. I really am very happy for each and every blessing that each of you has in her life. However, being happy for you does not circumvent my being sad for myself and longing for what I want so much and have not been able to, and may never achieve. It's a strange dichotomy of feelings, elation for you and all of the aforementioned feelings for myself.

So, there you have it. This is my explanation, and my apology for having been such a horrible friend for the past couple of years. Call it a survival mechanism. I love you girls, and I miss you. However, I cannot see you in person. Perhaps, you all would allow me to communicate with you via e-mail, or perhaps all or some of you would just like to tell me to f off. I can't say I would blame you.

L, I don't know whether this makes any sense to you, but reaching out to you was something I had to do. Regardless of where this leads, you are and have always been in my heart and thoughts, and I wish only the best for you and your family.

Love,
Rosa

I feel so dirty!

2008-01-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

And it's not because I finally got my rear end to the gym and worked out! By the way, I am in such lousy shape it's not even funny. 15 minutes on the stair master and I was wheezing like a hog underwater! (No it doesn't make sense, but just go with it.)

The reason that I feel so dirty is all those evil feelings from FF today. I've been sort of keeping up with it, as best I could given that I don't have access. I am still dumbfounded by how evil some people can be. I mean I understand that they feel that we are being purposely mean and bitter when we ask women to be sensitive about their pregnancies and children, but the things that are being said today are truly evil. They are purposely being hurtful. They are cutting to the very core of our souls with their comments.

And they are taking pride in causing all this pain. These women are mothers! What are these women teaching their children? What kind of adults will these children grow into? I hope for their own sake that their kids have very strong character because their mothers are psycho!

That's it! It must be mental illness. I can't see another way. Poor kids to have to grow up with psychos who claim to be satanists. I feel very sorry for them. I wish there was some way to take those poor children away from them and give them to couples who are stable and would love to give them a good home.

My goodness! If I feel dirty from dealing with them from a distance, can you imagine how these poor children must feel facing that reality day after day? SAD!

Sharing my blog, oh my!

2008-01-10T12:29:00.000-08:00

I was always really bad at writing in my diary, so maybe by sharing my blog with all of you, I'll feel some sense of responsibility to actually keep it up to date.

Where am I right now? Hmm, to tell you that, I guess I have to give you a bit of history about myself and my life. I'm engaged to wonderful, beautiful, supportive, loving, intelligent, emotionally f'ed up man. We not only have issues with infertility, but there are psychological/emotional issues that we must overcome before we can really go about dealing with the IF issues. I try to deal with both things at once, he's more of a one thing at a time type of person. Understandable since for the most part the issues we need to deal with are on his side. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of baggage and my mom left me with a truck load of issues of my own. However, what's keeping us from realizing our basic dreams, such as marriage and a family are mostly on his end.

Okay, so given that little bit of information, I can tell you that we had one SA done with lower than average numbers. I'm still working on getting him in to do the second SA. As I mentioned earlier he is more of a one thing at a time type, so right now, the SA is not the one thing. Frustrating trying to figure out how far to push without pushing him to far to the point where he falls apart.

So, where am I right now? I'm trying to get him to come so that in a few days he can go get his SA. Oh, so you don't think that's very challenging? Heh! You don't know what a challenge DF is. He seems to get sick, physically sick just before having to do anything he does not want to do. So yes, he is sick right now. Poor baby, I feel badly for him because I know he is suffering, but dang it! I also want to slap him and tell him to stop having such bad timing. Now I feel like I'm an awful partner and feel totally guilty.

I don't like feeling guilty, so I'm changing the topic. Here's a blinkie I made for next holiday season. Couldn't actually get myself to make it during the holidays, as that would have put me over the edge, but I'm all set for next year! (Hmm, for whatever reason you need to click on it to actually see it blinking and to save it blinking.)

Feeling Barren

2007-11-15T12:50:00.000-08:00

I have, for the past several weeks, had a growing feeling that I will never conceive. I voiced it today for the first time. My dear friend, P, told me not to think like that, after all I haven't even been tested. She pointed out it could be something as simple as a blocked tube.

My mind started whirling, and I came to the depressing conclusion that it doesn't matter if it's even something as simple as just needing clomid because I'm never going to get it anyway. DF still hasn't done the 2nd SA. For god's sake it's coming in a cup!

DF noticed my sadness and asked what was wrong. I told him he didn't want to know, as has been my experience with such conversations between us. He insisted that he did want to know. When I told him, he immediately changed the topic. Yeah, he wanted to know, he just didn't want to deal with it....

Update: He just noticed me typing furiously, so he has promised to go get his SA tomorrow. We'll see if it actually happens. I have been disappointed by his promises too often to just blindly believe what he says. Sad, but true.

If he does do this SA, it will be yet another struggle to get the third one done.

Update: He can't get his SA tomorrow. He hasn't come in like a month. Yeah, that's how pathetic our love life is. So, as of now, the schedule is for him to come tomorrow and go in for his SA on Monday. Yeah, it's not going to happen. Frick! Frick! Frick!!!!

July 17, 2007--TAB

2007-07-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

At what point do you put a dream on hold? When your dream is dependent on someone else, it's when the other party isn't moving toward your same dream.

DF admitted a while back that he had never done his SA. It hurt so much, but he didn't seem to understand. At some point, I finally started believing he actually understood, and he promised to go last week. It didn't happen. My TTC dream is now on hold.

We have been TTC for 16 cycles. I know that we are not going to get pregnant without some type of intervention. He kept wanting to try hoping it would happen. He is scared that it will turn out to be a problem with his sperm and that I will hate him. That would never happen. He says we haven't had the money for it. If it were a priority, we/he could find the money. He says he will go when he gets the money. No point in TTC until he does.

Kaiser won't do any testing on me, until he has this test done. Even if there is something wrong with me, we can't find out and we can't fix it, because he won't go come in a cup. I wish I got to come during my IF testing. Still, I wish I were at the point of getting me tested. It would put us that much closer to getting pregnant, and having our baby.

However, because DF hasn't gotten his SA, my dream is on hold, and will stay on hold until he shows me the paperwork from the lab. I won't be taking his word for it again.

July 2, 2007--anxiety

2007-07-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

I suffer from anxiety. This condition is almost immobilizing at times. I'll spend hours on the computer. I have a hard time getting myself to perform the easiest tasks, like watering the plants or doing the dishes. I try to be very quiet so no one in the complex can hear me. Some days I can't even get myself to shower, either because I don't want anyone to hear me, or because I can't get myself to do anything, even that.
Small things put me into that mode. Sometimes when I can't find something, no matter how inconsequential, I start feeling really upset; I go into a dark hole where I just feel like I'm falling. There doesn't seem to be a way out. It all just seems hopeless, and without that item, my whole life will fall apart.

I don't want to communicate with anyone. I don't want to let them in. I don't want them to see the void that is my life. I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I don't want to have conversations, because I'm at a loss as to what to say. I can't talk to anyone about this, because no one understands. They say things that aren't correct and just make me feel worse. They tell me to do or try things that make perfect sense to them, but either I've tried it, or it just has nothing to do with my reality at the time.

There's no escape. There's no hope. There's nothing but negativity. It's all around, and it's all consuming. And people demand from you. They never stop. It's always something, someone, some situation. How do you deal with anything else when you can't even deal with your own thoughts and your own mind. How do you escape the inescapable.